Computer Is a Woman
Editorial by: Vlad K
Posted on 23 March 2004

A temperate, understanding, supporting sidekick that will accept a secondary role to lend a helping hand in the toughest of times, most awkward of circumstances, and in the briefest delay, your machine can, and will at one point or another, turn into an undisciplined, troublesome and a incomprehensible nightmare at a trigger of one wrong button. All this in a matter of seconds and without a warning. Why? Because your computer is a chick! It's a fickle creation of the Gods (a.k.a Men) that is simultaneously your greatest ally and worst enemy. No saying when is when. Work today, crash tomorrow. Fools are those to attempt to learn it, for no amount of knowledge you've gathered will counter the billions of possibilities the machine can bail out on you. The wisest of us have long decided to abandon reason in favour of chance - sort of like the casino gamblers. What are the odds this little overpriced e-vibrator from Radio Shack (get back in your chair, it doesn't exist) will short circuit your 'puter? Slim? Proceed then. And what are the odds this happyxmas.exe greeting card is actually a malicious virus? High? Better not touch it then. It's all in the odds I tell ya. Though sometimes - sometimes more often than you'd like - it backfires. A plug-and-play webcam I once bought caused a malfunction in my USB ports while the virus-infected .exe files are quarantined in no time with an up-to-date anti-virus. Go figure. Actually, don't. Reasoning won't get you anywhere. Your best bet is to accept the capricious nature of a She and live with it. Or destroy it; in which case I’d recommend an eight wheel truck, half a dozen baseball bats (they break often), gasoline and set of matches, but I digress.

Readers will be quick to point that computer is not an independent self and will only do as told. That much is true. What's equally true as it is pertinent is that the machine is capable of a chain reaction far beyond the foresight of a mortal, thus a simple stroke of a button is translated to pages of analytical gibberish you never knew existed, let alone saw coming. A bald windows command can mean the very end of your system without a slightest hint at an impeding crash. Truth to be fully unveiled, the cyber mechanism is a world of action and reaction where the link between the two, while existent, is thinner than an anorexic in Ethiopia. Think that's confusing enough? Ha! Try adding emotions to the aforementioned mechanism. Now throw in a pair of eyes, ears, a mouth, long hair and you couldn't come closer to drawing a portrait of a woman if your name was Da Vinci. It's only fortunate the AI isn't quite there yet. The world isn't big enough to contain emotional computers and women in one planet (hence my support for space colonization--in the case of imminent conflict the less needed party will be left on mars; any attempt to escape and off to the sun they go)

Further analysis of computer behavior will show its feminine nature beyond the unpredictability aspect. Selfishness is one. Arrogance is another. The inability to self maintain is third. (all of which can be equally applied to men but shh... play along) How many times you needed your machine to boot presto but it refused because the fan burnt out? Probably as many times as your girlfriend refused to go out because the new dress she just bought makes her look fat. All three elements right there. And if you needed more similarities you've but to compare the noise each produces. Despite its many faults, however, most men, starting with the puerile age of a pimpled-adolescent (no offense to the ugly pimpled teenagers reading this) will find comfort in the animated screen. It brings the much needed balance to their life. An easier, less potent, and arguably cheaper alternative to actually having a girlfriend--like methadone is to heroine--men need something by their side (or under the desk) to remind them of their wrong doing.

As long as it has an off switch of course.