Recently, something very bad happened to me. It wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened to anybody, or even the worst thing that ever happened to me. I mean, hell, I have been divorced. I once got beat up after a football game for suggesting that people should be allowed to vote. But this thing, this bad thing, was bad enough to keep those other things company. It was bad enough to push a different bad thing out of the top 10. What was this bad thing, you ask?
It was Bad Boys: Miami Takedown for the GameCube.
Now I understand that the movie Bad Boys is a pretty good action movie. When I forgive Will Smith for Independence Day I plan on seeing it. This game, however, has inherited nothing positive from the movies that it shares a name with. It is aggressively, unceasingly awful from the moment you put it in your GameCube till the moment you try to sell it for whatever paltry sum you can get for it, fail and use it as a coaster. Since it is a tiny GameCube disk, it will even perform that task poorly.
The graphics are atrocious for this generation. They would have looked all right on the N64, but just all right. The animation is spastic, the voice over is so atrocious it made me wish I’d been born deaf. Imagine two nerdy white guys doing really pathetic imitations of Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, with dialog written by an 11-year-old obsessed with bodily functions and cursing. Level design, enemy AI, hit detection and other nuances are on par with the rest of the half-assed production of the game. Is there a single redeeming feature to this game? Well, it did crash my GameCube when I tried to save once. That finally convinced me I’d had enough punishment. Thanks, Bad Boys. If you hadn’t died on me I might have forced myself to play through several more hours of your rancid “game.”
There is no point in buying, renting or playing this game. It isn’t the worst game ever made, but that just means that it fails to achieve distinction even by its badness. It isn’t fun, it makes me want to see the movie it is based on less, and I am even considering selling my GameCube now. All right, I’ll keep the 'Cube after all but I’m taking the disk with me the next time I go skeet shooting. Pulling the trigger and watching this disk disintegrate will be the first pleasure I receive from this poor excuse for a game.
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