Sally Mae Beauregard Interview - Leisure Suit Larry Magna Cum Laude

SALLY MAE BEAUREGARD Interview by David Fingerhut Photography by Barnabas Savage VITAL STATS BORN: July 3, 1984 HOMETOWN: Meat Cove, Oklahoma MAJOR: Agricultural Studies HEIGHT (with hat): 5’ 11’’ HEIGHT (without hat): 5’ 7” WEIGHT (with hat): 125 lbs 5 oz. WEIGHT (without hat): 125 lbs 2 oz. MEASUREMENTS: 34-20-36 TURN-ONS: Pony-tails, beards, distinctive guitar-straps TURN-OFFS: The IRS, Charlie Daniels HOBBIES: Cattle-branding, leather-working, Baccarat FAVORITE MOVIE: Red-Headed Stranger FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW: Where the Hell’s That Gold?!!? FAVORITE SONG: “Devil in a Sleepin’ Bag” by Willie Nelson ROLE MODEL: Granny Clampett FAVORITE FOOD: Chicken-fried kishke MARITAL STATUS: Single Sally Mae walks into the Hide and the Go Greek Restaurant looking a little confused and completely out of place. She’s a heapin’ slice of country pie, with a bouncy step and bouncier er- other things. She sits down and peruses the menu quizzically. “What’s a pita?” Sally Mae asks with her befuddled, corn-fed half-smile. We sit down to a plate of bourekia appetizers, which she sniffs suspiciously, but soon hungrily wolfs down between gulps of draft beer. You were born on a farm. What was that like? It’s a little piece of heaven on Earth. It’s so quiet an’ peaceful there. Every mornin’ you wake up to the sound of the rooster crowin’ and the sun just comes tiptoein’ through your window kinda’ sayin’, “Hey there. Good mornin’.” I don’t like farms. They smell. Well, it is a peculiar smell. But I been around it all my life. You get used to it. Plus, I’m allergic to giraffes. We don’t have giraffes at our farm. That’s good. Maybe I could come and visit sometime. What does your mom look like? I don’t know. I suppose a bit like me. Would you consider your mother a “well-preserved woman”? I’m not sure I get your meanin’. That’s okay. Forget I said anything. Anyway, what are your responsibilities on the farm? Well, we have chores year-round. Milkin’ the cows. Tillin’ the soil in spring. Harvestin’ in the fall. Refereeing the cock-fights? I don’t think I know what you’re talkin’ about. Sure you don’t. Wink, wink. Anyway, if you know of any game in town, lemme know. I’ll travel anywhere in the country to prove my chicken can’t be beat: Cronus is king of cock-fighters! I’m sure he is. Now settle down now. Do you want another drink? I sure could use another drink! No, I’m fine. Anyway, they wrote down on these cards some questions they wanted me to ask you. Here’s one: “I hear you’re an Agricultural Studies Major. That must be fascinating.” Oh it is! I’m studyin’ the history of American agriculture. Did you know that Grimm alfalfa was introduced into the United States in 1858? I didn’t say I thought it was fascinating; the card said I thought it was fascinating. Oh. Here’s another one: “What qualities do you look for in a guy?” I like a guy who’s thoughtful and sensitive. Someone who really knows how to treat a lady like a lady. A real gentleman. And I like to dance, so he should like to dance too. Also I love country music so he- “What’s your ideal romantic evening?” Some soft music... country music, of course. Candlelight... or a roarin’ fire to set the mood. A bottle of some dandelion wine and- Let’s see what else we got here in my stack o’ cards... boring... boring... really boring... You know what: screw the cards! Where’s my drink? You never ordered one. You are correct! Look at you. I bet you were an early-bloomer, weren’t you? Now that’s gittin’ rather personal. You listen: I will not answer any more of these sorta questions- You know, you probably know the answer to this question: I read somewhere that a whole gang of male sheep will surround a female sheep and then just bang the hell outta- That’s it mister, I’m leavin’! Waiter! Another Singapore Sling over here.