Trailer #3, Interview and Screens: Leisure Suit Larry Magna Cum Laude

LARRY LOVAGE Interview by David Fingerhut Photography by Barnabas Savage VITAL STATS BORN: February 28, 1979 MAJOR: Hotel/Restaraunt Management HEIGHT : 4’ 8” WEIGHT: 130 lbs. MEASUREMENT: 3” TURN-ONS: boobies, vaginas, armpits TURN-OFFS: wieners, Charlie Daniels HOBBIES: masturbating, collecting Little Rascals memorabilia FAVORITE MOVIE: The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW: Small Wonder FAVORITE SONG: “Hey There Lonely Girl” by Eddie Holman ROLE MODEL: Larry Laffer FAVORITE FOOD: Pizza MARITAL STATUS: Single Larry Lovage is pretty humble for a man on the brink of international fame. I show up late to the interview. We meet at Lefty’s Too, a dirtbag dive with a smoky ambience you could cut with a knife. I find him sitting by the bar in the corner. I introduce myself and apologize for my tardiness. He’s wearing dark sunglasses and a large, fake white beard. “I gotta keep a low-profile these days,” he explains. We order up some bar food and I kick back a few longnecks of Gator Country. There’s a Full House marathon on TV – so of course, I can’t resist. We’re watching the episode where Uncle Jesse tries to start a band when he taps me on the shoulder. What’s up? Nothing. Man, that Dave Coulier’s f_ckin’ hilarious! Did you just hear him do the woodchuck voice? Now that’s comedy! Yeah, he’s pretty funny. What’s wrong, man? You want another drink? Don’t get me wrong, this has been fun – you paying for stuff and all, but- Those quesadillas were awesome, right? High five! Yeah... “high five”. David, we’ve been here for like five hours and you still haven’t asked me any questions. I though this was my big moment, y’ know? America’s gonna see this game, which is completely biased. It paints this picture of me as an inept, sex-crazed loser. This is my chance to show people the real me. Did you know that the character of Michelle is actually played by two twins? The Olsen twins. Now there are some talented kids. They act. They even sing. I got their first album, Brother For Sale. Not good, man. Stay away. David... They’re kinda hot. I think they’re almost legal now, too. High five! No more high fives. What’s the problem, man? The interview. You said you were going to interview me. Oh yeah... “the interview”. Sorry, man. I left my cards with the questions on ‘em in the car. That’s cool. I can wait here. Yeah... I don’t know where my car is, man. I parked it right in front of the hospital and now it’s just gone. Weird, huh? Hey. That is weird. Hey, I’m not worried. It’s the rental car company’s problem now. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Stupid rental car company. Yeah. “Stupid rental car company”... Sigh... Sigh... Hey. Why don’t you just make up some questions? I can’t do that. Sure you can. Okay... uh... what’s your favorite breakfast cereal? Cookie Crisp. Good answer. Um... uh... what’s your favorite Van Halen album? I don’t know. Uh... Women and Children First. Wrong answer! Diver Down! You lose! Okay. Calm down. Next question... Okay... uh... what’s your favorite breakfast cereal? You just asked me that! I did? Well, that was like a minute and a half ago. Maybe you have a new favorite cereal. No. It’s still Cookie Crisp. My grandpa likes Mueslix. (long silence) F_ck this! Let’s go to the titty bar! Now you’re talkin’!