BILZARBRA SMITH Interview by Garland Merriwether Photography by Barnabas Savage VITAL STATS BORN: October 4, 1980 HOMETOWN: Bullionville, Utah MAJOR: Communications HEIGHT: 5’10” WEIGHT: 130 lbs MEASUREMENTS: 33-20-35 TURN-ONS: money, fame, Hayden Christensen TURN-OFFS: false people, cold weather, Charlie Daniels HOBBIES: waiting tables FAVORITE MOVIE: Excess Baggage FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW: “Family Passions” FAVORITE SONG: “Act Naturally” by Buck Owens & his Buckaroos ROLE MODEL: Alicia Silverstone FAVORITE FOOD: don’t eat MARITAL STATUS: single Lefty’s Too is on the wrong side of town. The façade of the Schwanstucker sex toys factory looms large over the shadowy neighborhood filled with burnt-out apartment buildings, adult theaters and sperm banks. I grasp my wallet tightly as I make my way through zoot-suited pimps, worn-down prostitutes and chain-and-leather clad street toughs. Lefty’s isn’t quite the pleasant respite: the floors are littered with empty beer bottles, the grimy tables don’t look like they’ve been wiped down in months and the state of the restroom transcends mere description. Bilzarbra stands by the bar, cellular phone at her ear, busily chatting with her agent. She’s dressed in a natty, teal waitress uniform, the sort you’d see in an Edward Hopper painting. She’s an attractive African-American girl with long, slender legs. In spite of her obvious beauty, there’s something synthetic about her: from her straightened raven hair to her button-nose to her impossible breasts. All this begs the question, after all these treatments and superfluous surgery: has man truly triumphed over nature? Bilzarbra, I presume? Oh... hey. Uh- what was your name again? Garland. Garland Merriwether. Oh yeah! So is this gonna be like in a glossy entertainment magazine? Y’ know like in the “Fresh Faces” or “Rising Stars” column? No. Now, I’d like a glass of your finest cabernet and uh... oh, let’s see... the “chicken strips”. Then where are you from? Us? People? It’s on the Internet, actually. Now where are my chicken strips? I’m off now. This isn’t my shift. I WANT MY CHICKEN STRIPS! Okay don’t have a fit! (to bartender) Don, this guy wants some chicken strips and a “glass of cabernet”. DON: The kitchen’s closed, a--hole! And we don’t serve no fancy-schmancy “cabernet” here. The closest I got is Mr. Pibb. “Mr. Pibb”? Why don’t I just drink out of the toilet? Anyway... Bilzarbra, I read here that you are an actress with several film credits to your name. Yeah. I watched your performance last night as Topless Beach Bunny #3 in Operation Bikini III. I found it absolutely riveting. I would rank it up there with Renée Maria Falconetti’s portrayal of the title role in Carl Theodor Dreyer’s The Passion of Joan of Arc. Oh yeah! Rex Surewood is such a great director! You do not have to remind me! Surely his canon belongs up there with that of Bresson, Ozu and Fassbinder. Yeah. Exactly. Yes. The performance he got from your breasts was remarkable. In a mere five seconds, they speak volumes. Are you making fun of me? Surely not. I only have the utmost respect for your “acting” talents. Now, I must say that the futility you brought to the role of Jell-O Wrestler #2 in Co-Ed Cruise transcends mere praise. Thanks. I guess. Not only were your breasts once again on full display, but also they were covered in red gelatin. Listen, a--hole! You gotta start somewhere! You have no right to judge me Mister Write-For-The-Internet Guy! Oh! Touché! Good comeback! Somebody’s certainly getting catty! Hey! I don’t have to deal with this sh-t! F-ck you and your f-ckin’ Internet! I don’t need you! Someday I’m gonna be somebody. Someday I’m gonna be a star and then you’ll beg me to talk to you. But I’ll just be like, “No.” And then you’ll be sad. Oh yes, a big star! I hear Max Hardcore is having a casting call if you have no objections to working with a speculum.

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